Dark Headspace

The History of Queening

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 13:46:51 GMT

The History of Queening

Queening is, basically, the use of the male face, mouth, and nose and tongue, as a substitute for sexual intercourse and masturbation, by the dominant woman.

It places the man in the most slavish, subservient position, under the woman's buttocks and crotch.

She sits on his face, or has his head trapped between her thighs.

The whole event is devoted to her pleasure, her orgasms, and her time schedule. The man's pleasure or pain, satisfaction or frustration, desires or fears are of little importance, if any. The woman's clitoris, vulva, labia and vagina demand service.

This thrilling, delicious sexual practice has an ancient and traditional history. Ladies of medieval households often had pages, whose sole job was to provide them with mouth, lip and tongue service under their skirts while their husband were absent, thus remaining, technically faithful. Many a young boy had his first lessons in sex with his head under Madame's backside, with her quim vigorously riding his face. Many young girls still virgins, enjoyed orgasms on a male servant's mouths as the earliest sexual experiences. In ancient Chinese courts one long tongued, trained male slave was used by female royalty and court ladies as casually as if they were going to the lavatory. The slave would be summoned, face-f*cked then dismissed casually and serenely. In old Japan, brothels would provide male victims for such use by visiting, paying women and girls.

Mouth and tongue sexual service to the female genitals is 'cunnilingus' or 'cunnilinctus' literally c*nt licking/ sucking. Queening properly places the woman on top of the male face, using it ruthlessly and selfishly. The lady commands, the man obeys. Having the male slave erect, frustrated and unsatisfied adds to the sadistic pleasures enjoyed by the woman. In ancient Persia, cleverly constructed chairs were known as man face stools with the male face replacing the seat centre. Ladies could lift their skirts, sit down, cover the scenario with those skirts, and with gentle rhythmic, firm hip and buttock movements enjoy private little orgasms even when others were present. Old Indian pornographic graffiti depicts scenes like that, with gowned girls, obviously in ecstasy, riding a male face while gazing at an enormous male erection. The whole event is devoted to her pleasure, her orgasms, and her time schedule. The man's pleasure or pain, satisfaction or frustration, desires or fears are of little importance, if any. The woman's clitoris, vulva, labia and vagina demand service.

This thrilling, delicious sexual practice has an ancient and traditional history. Ladies of medieval households often had pages, whose sole job was to provide them with mouth, lip and tongue service under their skirts while their husband were absent, thus remaining, technically faithful. Many a young boy had his first lessons in sex with his head under Madame's backside, with her quim vigorously riding his face. Many young girls still virgins, enjoyed orgasms on a male servant's mouths as the earliest sexual experiences. In ancient Chinese courts one long tongued, trained male slave was used by female royalty and court ladies as casually as if they were going to the lavatory. The slave would be summoned, face-f*cked then dismissed casually and serenely. In old Japan, brothels would provide male victims for such use by visiting, paying women and girls.

Mouth and tongue sexual service to the female genitals is 'cunnilingus' or 'cunnilinctus' literally c*nt licking/ sucking. Queening properly places the woman on top of the male face, using it ruthlessly and selfishly. The lady commands, the man obeys. Having the male slave erect, frustrated and unsatisfied adds to the sadistic pleasures enjoyed by the woman. In ancient Persia, cleverly constructed chairs were known as man face stools with the male face replacing the seat centre. Ladies could lift their skirts, sit down, cover the scenario with those skirts, and with gentle rhythmic, firm hip and buttock movements enjoy private little orgasms even when others were present. Old Indian pornographic graffiti depicts scenes like that, with gowned girls, obviously in ecstasy, riding a male face while gazing at an enormous male erection. The whole event is devoted to her pleasure, her orgasms, and her time schedule. The man's pleasure or pain, satisfaction or frustration, desires or fears are of little importance, if any. The woman's clitoris, vulva, labia and vagina demand service.

This thrilling, delicious sexual practice has an ancient and traditional history. Ladies of medieval households often had pages, whose sole job was to provide them with mouth, lip and tongue service under their skirts while their husband were absent, thus remaining, technically faithful. Many a young boy had his first lessons in sex with his head under Madame's backside, with her quim vigorously riding his face. Many young girls still virgins, enjoyed orgasms on a male servant's mouths as the earliest sexual experiences. In ancient Chinese courts one long tongued, trained male slave was used by female royalty and court ladies as casually as if they were going to the lavatory. The slave would be summoned, face-f*cked then dismissed casually and serenely. In old Japan, brothels would provide male victims for such use by visiting, paying women and girls.

Mouth and tongue sexual service to the female genitals is 'cunnilingus' or 'cunnilinctus' literally c*nt licking/ sucking. Queening properly places the woman on top of the male face, using it ruthlessly and selfishly. The lady commands, the man obeys. Having the male slave erect, frustrated and unsatisfied adds to the sadistic pleasures enjoyed by the woman. In ancient Persia, cleverly constructed chairs were known as man face stools with the male face replacing the seat centre. Ladies could lift their skirts, sit down, cover the scenario with those skirts, and with gentle rhythmic, firm hip and buttock movements enjoy private little orgasms even when others were present. Old Indian pornographic graffiti depicts scenes like that, with gowned girls, obviously in ecstasy, riding a male face while gazing at an enormous male erection.

In more recent, Western times governesses and nannies have been recorded as teaching their young male charges just how to please their crotches with their tongues. Many a frightened, cowed Georgian or Victorian boy knew intimately the underside of Madame's skirts and felt the vice-like grip of her gartered thighs round his head.

Masquerading as a punishment and usually followed or preceded by a whipping, the queening would take place in conditions of discipline and severity. The curt command, the superior, unsmiling demand would be followed by a rustling lifting of black, voluminous skirts, the stripping off of Madame's panties and the heavy, fleshy hot damp descent of her buttocks and crotch onto the boy's face.

Heaven help him if Madame did not orgasm satisfactorily. A savage whipping would follow.

Even down in the servant's quarters, the youngest male servant would find his head trapped under housemaids' skirts. Cruelty seems to have been part and parcel of queening procedures in olden times.

'Queening' by definition, requires a dominant, demanding woman and a subservient, obedient man. The woman must be concerned only with her personal pleasure and satisfaction.

His mouth, lips, tongue and nose are merely live tools there to pleasure her labia, clitoris, vulva and vaginal passage. He must be trained, if necessary by painful punishment, in the proper use of his facial features.

She must gain the maximum delight and orgasmic satisfaction without concerning herself with her victim's possible distress, humiliation and discomfort.

He is nothing more than a sexual toy or playing, as of no more importance than her lavatory pan, her sanitary towels, her d*ldo, her handkerchief, her lavatory paper, her condoms or contraception pills, or her vaginal douche - all quite necessary to her private sexual and private well being, but all useable and disposable. In more recent, Western times governesses and nannies have been recorded as teaching their young male charges just how to please their crotches with their tongues. Many a frightened, cowed Georgian or Victorian boy knew intimately the underside of Madame's skirts and felt the vice-like grip of her gartered thighs round his head.

Masquerading as a punishment and usually followed or preceded by a whipping, the queening would take place in conditions of discipline and severity. The curt command, the superior, unsmiling demand would be followed by a rustling lifting of black, voluminous skirts, the stripping off of Madame's panties and the heavy, fleshy hot damp descent of her buttocks and crotch onto the boy's face.

Heaven help him if Madame did not orgasm satisfactorily. A savage whipping would follow.

Even down in the servant's quarters, the youngest male servant would find his head trapped under housemaids' skirts. Cruelty seems to have been part and parcel of queening procedures in olden times.

'Queening' by definition, requires a dominant, demanding woman and a subservient, obedient man. The woman must be concerned only with her personal pleasure and satisfaction.

His mouth, lips, tongue and nose are merely live tools there to pleasure her labia, clitoris, vulva and vaginal passage. He must be trained, if necessary by painful punishment, in the proper use of his facial features.

She must gain the maximum delight and orgasmic satisfaction without concerning herself with her victim's possible distress, humiliation and discomfort.

He is nothing more than a sexual toy or playing, as of no more importance than her lavatory pan, her sanitary towels, her d*ldo, her handkerchief, her lavatory paper, her condoms or contraception pills, or her vaginal douche - all quite necessary to her private sexual and private well being, but all useable and disposable.

The choice of type of slave is up to her. She may wish to have a wimpish male twit under her backside and quim. She may find more delight in subduing a macho strong male. She may have a cuckolded husband to humiliate, taunt and sit on. She may have developed her talents as a schoolgirl, together with her girlfriends, taking the school wimp into the girls' lavatory and taking turns in squatting on his face. She may have gained experience by dominating a younger brother, riding his face selfishly while their parents were asleep or away from home. Some women like to have a mouth-d*ldo attached to their slave's head, sticking up from his open mouth as a rideable accessory.

This provides pleasant, full, vaginal passage orgasms, but prevents sucking and licking by the male victim. Other women blindfold their prone slaves, thus deleting any possible visual pleasure they might obtain. A few cruel ladies inevitably urinate on to his face after having orgasmed. Others enjoy demanding mouth service right after enjoying satisfactory adultery with a lover, thus making the victim more humiliated. Most talented queening ladies humiliate, taunt, torment, degrade and tease their victims before and after this enforced cunnilingus.

It is essential that the male slave is more than intimate with those parts of a woman's body which require servicing by his tongue, lips and nose. Kneeling astride his face, with his eyes very close to her c*nt, is a pleasant torment. He is able to see and fear each part of her sexual equipment, staring right up into her vaginal passage and memorising her clitoris, labia and vulva. Using her fingers to stretch her labia she is able to insist that he looks and learns. He must also examine her anus ;with respect, in case she decides to have his nose inserted into it. She must teach him the way to kiss, lick and suck her sexually, with particular attention to her clitoris. He must suck and swallow her sex juices. To add a special thrill to her pleasure, she must make him afraid of her.

He must be in awe of her. He must adore her. He must give her respect, and recognise her superiority. He must worship her genitals. They are his goddess, his fate, his destiny. His life is less important than a single orgasm enjoyed by her. Riding the male face requires careful, skilful experience, as much as is required in learning to ride a horse. The hip and buttocks movements are the key to success. The careful placing of the c*nt on the mouth or nose is, of course, essential, and might require some wriggling adjustment until the male's service parts are properly positioned.

It may be that the lady wishes to have his nose against her anal rose while his mouth serves her quim. She will, of course, be as rough and savage as she wishes at the moment she comes. At that moment she must not care in the least if he suffocates, or chokes. After satisfaction she can relax, still sitting on his face and enjoy a cigarette or a glass of wine. When she dismounts she will casually ignore the fool, dismissing him abruptly, sending him off to continue his housework, followed by taunts and insults. Perhaps she will lend him to the girlfriends!

The complete, perfect, mature woman always has two men in her life, one to f*ck her normally the other to be queened by her, as her slave. It is essential that the male slave is more than intimate with those parts of a woman's body which require servicing by his tongue, lips and nose. Kneeling astride his face, with his eyes very close to her c*nt, is a pleasant torment. He is able to see and fear each part of her sexual equipment, staring right up into her vaginal passage and memorising her clitoris, labia and vulva. Using her fingers to stretch her labia she is able to insist that he looks and learns. He must also examine her anus ;with respect, in case she decides to have his nose inserted into it. She must teach him the way to kiss, lick and suck her sexually, with particular attention to her clitoris. He must suck and swallow her sex juices. To add a special thrill to her pleasure, she must make him afraid of her.

He must be in awe of her. He must adore her. He must give her respect, and recognise her superiority. He must worship her genitals. They are his goddess, his fate, his destiny. His life is less important than a single orgasm enjoyed by her. Riding the male face requires careful, skilful experience, as much as is required in learning to ride a horse. The hip and buttocks movements are the key to success. The careful placing of the c*nt on the mouth or nose is, of course, essential, and might require some wriggling adjustment until the male's service parts are properly positioned.

It may be that the lady wishes to have his nose against her anal rose while his mouth serves her quim. She will, of course, be as rough and savage as she wishes at the moment she comes. At that moment she must not care in the least if he suffocates, or chokes. After satisfaction she can relax, still sitting on his face and enjoy a cigarette or a glass of wine. When she dismounts she will casually ignore the fool, dismissing him abruptly, sending him off to continue his housework, followed by taunts and insults. Perhaps she will lend him to the girlfriends!

The complete, perfect, mature woman always has two men in her life, one to f*ck her normally the other to be queened by her, as her slave. It is essential that the male slave is more than intimate with those parts of a woman's body which require servicing by his tongue, lips and nose. Kneeling astride his face, with his eyes very close to her c*nt, is a pleasant torment. He is able to see and fear each part of her sexual equipment, staring right up into her vaginal passage and memorising her clitoris, labia and vulva. Using her fingers to stretch her labia she is able to insist that he looks and learns. He must also examine her anus ;with respect, in case she decides to have his nose inserted into it. She must teach him the way to kiss, lick and suck her sexually, with particular attention to her clitoris. He must suck and swallow her sex juices. To add a special thrill to her pleasure, she must make him afraid of her.

He must be in awe of her. He must adore her. He must give her respect, and recognise her superiority. He must worship her genitals. They are his goddess, his fate, his destiny. His life is less important than a single orgasm enjoyed by her. Riding the male face requires careful, skilful experience, as much as is required in learning to ride a horse. The hip and buttocks movements are the key to success. The careful placing of the c*nt on the mouth or nose is, of course, essential, and might require some wriggling adjustment until the male's service parts are properly positioned.

It may be that the lady wishes to have his nose against her anal rose while his mouth serves her quim. She will, of course, be as rough and savage as she wishes at the moment she comes. At that moment she must not care in the least if he suffocates, or chokes. After satisfaction she can relax, still sitting on his face and enjoy a cigarette or a glass of wine. When she dismounts she will casually ignore the fool, dismissing him abruptly, sending him off to continue his housework, followed by taunts and insults. Perhaps she will lend him to the girlfriends!

The complete, perfect, mature woman always has two men in her life, one to f*ck her normally the other to be queened by her, as her slave.

Source(s):
1. This article can be found at Fetish Advocate @ http://www.thefetishadvocate.com/assworship.htm
2. This article reportedly came from Madame magazine (Swish Publications); it was found on an unnamed message board.

Great snarky comment about "Submission is a gift"

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 23:13:09 GMT

I read this great snarky journal entry from a Domme about the whole "Submission is a Gift" line on CollarMe the other day. It was such a great entry, I had to share it.

"If you think your submission is a "gift"..... hold on to that receipt...... I doubt its gonna fit anyone right. Make the effort to know someone. Not just offer yourself up in the first message."

R.I.P. Betty Page (1923-2008)

Fri, 12 Dec 2008 14:53:02 GMT

1950s pinup model Bettie Page dies in LA at 85

LOS ANGELES — Bettie Page, the 1950s secretary-turned-model whose controverisal photographs in skimpy attire or none at all helped set the stage for the 1960s sexual revolution, died Thursday. She was 85.

Page suffered a heart attack last week in Los Angeles and never regained consciousness, her agent Mark Roesler said. Before the heart attack, Page had been hospitalized for three weeks with pneumonia.

"She captured the imagination of a generation of men and women with her free spirit and unabashed sensuality," Roesler said. "She is the embodiment of beauty."

Page, who was also known as Betty, attracted national attention with magazine photographs of her sensuous figure in bikinis and see-through lingerie that were quickly tacked up on walls in military barracks, garages and elsewhere, where they remained for years.

Her photos included a centerfold in the January 1955 issue of then-fledgling Playboy magazine, as well as controversial sadomasochistic poses.

The latter helped contribute to her mysterious disappearance from the public eye, which lasted decades and included years during which she battled mental illness and became a born-again Christian.

After resurfacing in the 1990s, she occasionally granted interviews but refused to allow her picture to be taken.

"I don't want to be photographed in my old age," she told an interviewer in 1998. "I feel the same way with old movie stars. ... It makes me sad. We want to remember them when they were young."

The 21st century indeed had people remembering her just as she was. She became the subject of songs, biographies, Web sites, comic books, movies and documentaries. A new generation of fans bought thousands of copies of her photos, and some feminists hailed her as a pioneer of women's liberation.

Gretchen Mol portrayed her in 2005's "The Notorious Bettie Page" and Paige Richards had the role in 2004's "Bettie Page: Dark Angel." Page herself took part in the 1998 documentary "Betty Page: Pinup Queen."

Her career began one day in October 1950 when she took a respite from her job as a secretary in a New York office for a walk along the beach at Coney Island. An amateur photographer named Jerry Tibbs admired the 27-year-old's firm, curvy body and asked her to pose.

Looking back on the career that followed, she told Playboy in 1998, "I never thought it was shameful. I felt normal. It's just that it was much better than pounding a typewriter eight hours a day, which gets monotonous."

Nudity didn't bother her, she said, explaining: "God approves of nudity. Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, they were naked as jaybirds."

In 1951, Page fell under the influence of a photographer and his sister who specialized in S&M. They cut her hair into the dark bangs that became her signature and posed her in spiked heels and little else. She was photographed with a whip in her hand, and in one session she was spread-eagled between two trees, her feet dangling.

"I thought my arms and legs would come out of their sockets," she said later.

Moralists denounced the photos as perversion, and Sen. Estes Kefauver of Tennessee, Page's home state, launched a congressional investigation.

Page quickly retreated from public view, later saying she was hounded by federal agents who waved her nude photos in her face. She also said she believed that, at age 34, her days as "the girl with the perfect figure" were nearly over.

She moved to Florida in 1957 and married a much younger man, as an early marriage to her high school sweetheart had ended in divorce.

Her second marriage also failed, as did a third, and she suffered a nervous breakdown.

In 1959, she was lying on a sea wall in Key West when she saw a church with a white neon cross on top. She walked inside and became a born-again Christian.

After attending Bible school, she wanted to serve as a missionary but was turned down because she had been divorced. Instead, she worked full-time for evangelist Billy Graham's ministry.

A move to Southern California in 1979 brought more troubles.

She was arrested after an altercation with her landlady, and doctors who examined her determined she had acute schizophrenia. She spent 20 months in a state mental hospital in San Bernardino.

A fight with another landlord resulted in her arrest, but she was found not guilty because of insanity. She was placed under state supervision for eight years.

"She had a very turbulent life," Todd Mueller, a family friend and autograph seller, told The Associated Press on Thursday. "She had a temper to her."

Mueller said he first met Page after tracking her down in the 1990s and persuaded her to do an autograph signing event.

He said she was a hit and sold about 3,000 autographs, usually for $200 to $300 each.

"Eleanor Roosevelt, we got $40 to $50. ... Bettie Page outsells them all," he told The AP last week.

Born April 22, 1923, in Nashville, Tenn., Page said she grew up in a family so poor "we were lucky to get an orange in our Christmas stockings."

The family included three boys and three girls, and Page said her father molested all of the girls.

After the Pages moved to Houston, her father decided to return to Tennessee and stole a police car for the trip. He was sent to prison, and for a time Betty lived in an orphanage.

In her teens she acted in high school plays, going on to study drama in New York and win a screen test from 20th Century Fox before her modeling career took off.

___

Associated Press writer Raquel Maria Dillon in Los Angeles contributed to this report.

My qualifiers for what makes a scene person "real / true"

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 02:28:15 GMT

Author's Note: Contrary to blog etiquette, where the poster posts once and doesn't change what they wrote, this post should be considered a work in progress with edits, additions, etc. as needed.

Like everyone else, I am only interested in associating/playing with "real/true" people. But to my chagrin, like everyone else, I have my own qualifiers for what makes a person real/true; as Anise Nin put it, "We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.” However, unlike everyone else, my definition of real/true is rooted in common sense, civility, polite behavior, and zero tolerance for the self-serving BS games people play via their profiles/online personaes.

With that having been said, my qualifiers for what makes a person "real/true" in the scene are:

I believe that the real/true people in the scene possess these qualities, they...

...understand and are o.k. with the fact that not everyone does BDSM the same way.

...don't have profile/ad that's filled with posturing, hype hyperbole, self-aggrandizing statements and other assorted BS that makes them come across as badly drawn caricatures and stereotypes from a grade B or Z movie. (If you're going to put on a show like this, I want to see your Equity Card.)

They come across as people whom we'd want to be our friend in the vanilla world.

...don't have "show of force" statements in their profiles about "how dominant they are." To quote Margaret Thatcher, former Prime Minister of England: "Being powerful is like being a lady, if you have to tell people, you're not."

...let a potential partner know if they've lost interest rather than suddenly and without explanation dropping all contact and leaving the other person hanging.

...provide a pic of themselves first as a sign of good faith instead of "requesting" or "demanding" that the potential partner provide a pic first while they remain sight unseen for as long as they choose.

Furthermore, they "get" that if they post a photo, they're not entitled to get more than they put out. So, if their photo shows a partially or totally blocked out, partially or totally cropped, or blurred out face such that one wouldn't be able to recognize them on the street, then they have no right to demand that anyone responding to their ad provide a clear full face picture.

If I can't be able to identify you, why should you be able to identify me?

...don't make statements boasting of how long they've been in the scene and because of their longevity can tell who is or isn't a player.

...don't have incongruities in their profile such as boasting to be "high powered," "successful," and "educated" yet their own personal profile is riddled with spelling and grammatical errors --- the type of errors that the people they claim to be don't make.

...don't insist on having potential partners who contact them do so with spelling and grammar error free missives while their own personal profiles have the very errors they don't want potential partners to have.

This qualifier applies doubly to those small d dominants who don't know basic English grammar --- such as the difference between an adjective and a verb --- and refer to themselves as a "dominate" not a "dominant."

...don't play the "real/true sub coercion game" where they try to coerce, cajole, etc. the submissive partner into doing or not doing a specific activity by telling them that: "You're not a real/true sub because a 'real/true' sub would/wouldn't do [insert specific activity here]."

[NOTE: Usually this game gets played when a small-d dominant wants the sub not to do something that is not in the small-d dominant's best interest like ask for references in the "getting to know you before we play" stage, or the small-d dominant is trying to get the submissive partner to do an activity the submissive is very much opposed to in the hard limit sense.]

...don't consider cyber/online play as a actual experience.

...don't make statements about "how long they've been in the scene" that don't stand up to mathematical scrutiny, i.e., if you subtract their stated years of scene involvement from their stated age, it works out to them allegedly having been playing since an improbable age range of 12-17.

...don't use the scene as a vehicle for cheating on their spouse.

...don't send a one line email expressing their interest, but then expecting you to write back justifying it, i.e., "i may have use of you, tell me why i should consider you."

...don't have an agenda to become a scene personality or authority figure.

...don't have arrogant statements in their profile commanding the potential partner to justify why they should be considered as a partner.

...don't push a potential partner to meet in a very short time frame (ex. two weeks) where to do so requires the "pushed partner" to travel out of state where they don't know anyone and trust hasn't been established between both parties.

...don't accept an invitation to IM then proceed to ignore the person who initiated the IM conversation. The initiator then winds up typing to am empty non-responsive void.

Closing remarks
We're all on this site to meet someone, people who exhibit these types of behaviors don't seem approachable. One would think shared vanilla and scene interests or the person likes the way the profile was written, etc. would be enough.

My BDSM belief system

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 02:19:27 GMT

Author's Note: Contrary to blog etiquette, where the poster posts once and doesn't change what they wrote, this post should be considered a work in progress with edits, additions, etc. as needed.

During my time in the scene, I've come to see and meet people, and read in profiles people who come across as clueless dominant wannabes or those I view as a joke or a caricature because of their stereotypical personaes and attitudes or they're making BDSM into something it isn't, a concept to be romanticized or put on a metaphysical plane.

In light of this, I've codified my BDSM belief system so that potential partners will know where I'm coming from with regards to what I believe about BDSM. Though I am loathe to use the term, I feel that the "real / true" people in the scene will understand, respect, and not get pissy about this or any/all of the other points I outline in this statement.

01. First and foremost, I believe that since I am the one who is subjected to the various activities involved in WIIWD --- i.e., being: tied up, flogged, spanked, given enemas, being humiliated, etc. --- it is my physical, mental, and emotional well-being at stake; therefore, I am more than 100% entitled to have what some small "d" dominants term "not the proper bottom, sub, slave attitude" if it screens out the people with whom I would prefer not to associate/be associated with.

02. I don't do BDSM as an alternative lifestyle in the 24/7/365 sense; BDSM is part of my life but not my reason for being.

03. I am not what scene mythology terms a "true/real bottom-sub-slave" --- the only true anything I am is what I am to myself.

Needless to say, I have a strong sense of self. If you are looking for a partner who is malleable or will submerge their personality for you, I'm not the one for you. I wish you the best of luck in your Quixotic quest for that mythological ideal you're seeking.

04. I don't agree with the myopic view of there being a "one true way of doing BDSM," where the "way" in question is a personal belief system that narcissisticly dismisses the individual belief system of others. To borrow in part from a quote by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, author of the Sherlock Holmes detective novels: "Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself..."

Instead, I believe that if there was "one true way," it would be the way that works for you and your partner(s).

An example of this are those who claim to live a 24/7/365 BDSM lifestyle. Some of these people state that "BDSM is their lifestyle and not a game for them; they don't play BDSM." These people, by virtue of their statement, are pejoratively implying that those who don't do BDSM as they do are "playing BDSM." How falsely arrogant!!!

05. I believe BDSM is purely about sex. There is nothing to over romanticize ala the concepts of "courtly love" and "submission being a gift" or attribute a spiritual/metaphysical meaning to.

If BDSM isn't about sex, then why do we do things that push our physical and mental sexual buttons, such as dressing in fetish wear; engaging in play where the genitals or erogenous zones are physically touched and stimulated, etc. to name a few.

06. I don't believe that merely claiming the title "dominant," gives one automatic dominion over all (un)owned bottoms, subs, and slaves. Again, to borrow in part the same quote by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle: "Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself..."

Until power has been mutually and consensually exchanged, the only thing a dominant is entitled to is being called by whatever scene name they wish to be addressed by.

07. I don't agree with the selfishness so called small "d" dominants have in their profiles, the ones that say "It's all about the dominant NOT the bottom, sub, slave." And yet again, to borrow in part the same quote by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle: "Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself..."

This is an extremely selfish view. If the goal of an online profile/ad is to attract a partner for a LTR, how is basically saying "it's all about me and not you" helping one's case? These people claim to want a relationship, but only want it on one-way terms, their way.

08. I believe that if you don't agree with someone's BDSM belief system or their profile/ad, you should just click to the next one, NOT write them a nasty e-mail that non-consensually forces your belief system on them. And to again borrow in part the quote by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle: "Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself..."

09. I believe that if you want a photo of a potential partner, you should offer up one of yourself first as a sign of good faith. This whole “You send first and I’ll respond in kind” is bullshit; let’s be real here, we both know that if you don’t like my looks I’ll never hear from you again.

I further believe that if you do offer up a photo first, you’re not entitled to get more than you put out. In other words, you have no right to demand that anyone responding to your ad include a clear full face picture if your face is partially or totally blocked out, partially or totally cropped, or blurred out to make it so that you wouldn't be recognizable on the street.

If I can't be able to identify you, why should you be able to identify me?

Tripod (Lycos) Deleted My BDSM Website

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 18:22:11 GMT

Yesterday I tried log into my tripod website account and quickly found out that it was removed and my account deleted for a Terms of Service (TOS) violation. Tripod, for those who don't know of them, is a unit of Lycos, a provider of online content that is similar to and competes with Yahoo!.

The message I received when my login failed was this:
"Sorry, the account had been abused and locked. Please contact customer support at help.lycos.com.”

Thinking the inability to login message was a fluke as the web can be wonky at times, I then tried to access the page as a visitor would, I got this message:
"The page you are attempting to access has been removed because it violated Tripod's Terms of Service.”

They didn’t say what the violation was, but instead directed me to a webpage that has their TOS policy, which lists quite a few possible offenses. So I'm left to guess. I'm assuming the offense was having highly sexual content.

Needless to say I am not pleased.

What really pisses me off about the situation is that
(1) I have my BDSM content website hosted on Tripod since the early/mid-1990s, and there has never been an issue until now.

(2) To add insult to injury, I have been responsible about my site and its content; I've warned visitors who may have accidently stumbled across my site what to expect in it, in fact, the first page you come to is a warning statement.

My landing page has a graphic of a European stop sign on which are the following: “ADULT CONTENT” with the following disclaimer: “This site openly discusses alternative sexuality and sexual activities pertaining to BDSM: Bondage & Discipline, Dominance and submission, and Sadomasochism; and sexual fetishes.” Beneath the content description, in bold letters, is the statement: “You should be 21 years of age or older to enter.”

(3) I do not have sexually explicit photos on my site, I have explicit text, but no photos.

I sent Lycos the following letter to their abuse@lycos.com e-mail address:

Subject: Why was my web site removed?
Date: Saturday, March 15, 2008 2:20 AM
From: kage1065@xxx.xxx
To: <abuse@lycos-inc.com>

To whom it may concern:

I recently tried to login to my web page only to find that it's been removed for a TOS violation.

I would like to know what the specific problem is. I have maintained this site and it's content -- which has not changed in nature -- for more than 5 years without an issue. Furthermore, the landing page of the web site spelled out the nature of the content within, along with giving an age related content advisory warning.

Thank you for your clarification on this matter.

So now I’m waiting for a reply.

I don’t plan on fighting this tooth & nail. It’s just a free webspace site, and not worth a holy crusade over. But still, it is annoying considering my longevity on the site without an issue, and the fact I was responsible enough to put up a warning page. However, it is a private business and not subject to the First Amendment, so they do have the right to set their rules for self-expression as they wish…no matter how intolerant they may be.

I’m sure there are plenty of other companies in the USA and internationally that offer free webspace. Perhaps I should look at hosts in England, they are more sexually tolerant/permissive there, and the British people are known for having a kinky bent.

Time Magazine article on BDSM

Fri, 14 Mar 2008 04:01:35 GMT

Source: http://www.time.com/time/2004/sex/article/bondage_unbound_growing01a.html

L o v e , S e x & H e a l t h
Bondage Unbound
Growing numbers of Americans are experimenting with sadomasochistic sex. But is it always safe and sane?
By John Cloud/Clayton

January 19, 2004 Health

It turns out that you call it "S and M" only if you don't do it or if you experiment only occasionally with those handcuffs you keep hidden at the back of the nightstand. If, on the other hand, you are seriously involved in the sadomasochistic subculture—if, say, you have attended one or more of the nation's 90 annual sadomasochistic events ("Beat Me in St. Louis," for instance) and own not only handcuffs but also a spanking bench, a flogger, some paraffin wax, an unbreakable Pyrex dildo and various other unmentionables—you call it, simply, SM.

The linguistic distinction between S&M and SM may seem tiny, but the pop-culture, peep-show version of S&M has little to do with the real lives of those who practice SM (which is why sexologists who study sadomasochism have now also adopted the shorter abbreviation). S&M is Madonna in kinky outfits, Anne Rice chapters that run to the louche—even a recent Dannon ad featuring a woman in a French-maid uniform. Such S&M imagery has become so common that our astonishment at Robert Mapplethorpe's photographs of leather and pain 20 years ago now seems quaint. Today you can watch Samantha on Sex and the City in virtually the same poses.

But those who practice sadomasochism—including those halting dabblers who tee-hee their way through spankings, hoping to paddle excitement into their marriage—know it's still taboo. (After all, if it weren't, it would lose its power to excite.) To reconcile the icons with the actual practice, I spent several weeks recently talking to SM practitioners around the U.S.—in New York City and San Francisco, yes, but also in North Carolina and New Mexico. Whether they were nervous novices or experienced dungeon masters leading some of the nation's 250 SM organizations, virtually all of them asked for anonymity. One man said he had lost a job when his boss found directions to a bondage workshop in his office. Others said they would be embarrassed if their families learned of their proclivities. We live in a culture in which sadomasochism is everywhere—from Versace billboards to at least a dozen college campuses where SM support groups have been established—but somehow it remains unseen and unspoken, just beyond the edge of respectability.

Given the silence, measuring SM's popularity is not a precise business, especially since it blurs into the larger category of BDSM, or bondage-discipline-sadomasochism. A 1990 Kinsey Institute report said researchers estimate that 5% to 10% of Americans occasionally engage in SM sex. "The lighter end of BDSM is penetrating bedrooms across America. It's restraint on bedposts, it's spanking, it's fantasy play—and it's all fairly common," says Barnaby Barratt, president-elect of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists. In his quarter-century of private practice as a therapist in southeastern Michigan, Barratt says, "hundreds, if not thousands" of married couples have told him they want to bind, paddle or play teacher/pupil with each other.

Barratt and other therapists say that couples often hope that role playing or nipple clamps or quick-release bondage will rev up their sex lives. "Many people have this as part of reciprocal, consensual love relationships, and in those cases, we assure them it's not a problem," says Eli Coleman, director of the Program in Human Sexuality at the University of Minnesota. He also makes the point that "there's an element of domination or submission or pain involved in almost any sexual interaction. What sadomasochism does is take these elements of eroticism further toward their extreme."

Some couples experiment a few times but return to what serious SM-ers call "vanilla" sex. Others become more deeply involved in the SM scene; they use SM props or fantasies every time they have sex. The scene has become so large and varied that it encompasses the rich farrago of coupling practices known as BDSM, which includes not only SM—the erotic enjoyment of inflicting and/or receiving pain—but also BD (bondage/discipline) and DS (domination/submission). BD usually involves physical restraint and a punishment/reward setup (say, Nurse Ratched with a patient). DS relationships are often as emotional as they are carnal. Submissives relish transferring authority over aspects of their lives to others; the submissive might allow the dominant not only to tie her up but even to tell her when she must go to sleep.

A common misperception is that most DS relationships involve dominant women—dominatrices, in the parlance—ordering around submissive men. (As a result, some feminists have come to see BDSM lifestyles as not only transgressive but progressive.) And, indeed, among the many prostitutes who offer BDSM services, more are dominant than submissive, says Dr. Paul Federoff, a University of Ottawa psychiatrist who has studied sadomasochists. "You also might see a lot of dominant women at a BDSM nightclub," he says, but "although it's not the politically correct answer, more women in the scene are choosing the submissive role." In a study Federoff co-authored last year, he found that among 1,320 self-identified BDSM practitioners who anonymously completed a Web survey, 79% of women reported being "always or usually submissive"; only 35% of men did.

In one sense, then, "Doc" and "Surri" aren't so unusual. Married in July, they live in Clayton, N.C., in a just renovated home that—when I visited in November—had been overtaken by Christmas decorations. ("I'm a Christmas freak," says Surri.) She is Doc's wife, but she also thinks of herself as his "slave," and although she sometimes says the word just like that—using her fingers to create quotation marks in the air—their master/slave arrangement directs almost every aspect of their lives. Doc tells Surri what she can and can't wear every day, and when the three of us arrived at a steak house for dinner, Doc ordered: "She'll have a white Zinfandel and a glass of water." (Surri did choose the Robert Mondavi over the Sutter Home on her own.)

If Surri fails to accomplish something Doc asks—say, cleaning out the car or working in the garden—he might spank her or stand her in the corner as though she were a wayward child. When she succeeds, he might call her a "good girl" or give her a small gift. ("I filled out one of those online profiles that ask for your favorite quote, and mine was 'Good girl,'" says Surri. "Hearing [Doc] say that makes me happier than anything else in the world.") Surri, who turns 38 this month, particularly enjoys such "age play" when she's ill; at those times, Doc, 39, might bring her a Winnie-the-Pooh bear. In the bedroom, Surri likes Doc to flog her, but softly, in a light figure-eight pattern. She's not one of those slaves who enjoy the sting of a whip. Says Doc: "A lot of people in the life aren't into pain, despite everything you hear in the media."

Doc and Surri take BDSM much further than most practitioners, but they say they merely verbalize and theatricalize the unspoken power exchanges that exist in every relationship. "About 80% of how we live our lives is the way Mom and Dad did in the '50s," says Doc. "And the way most Baptists live their lives down here," says Surri, referring to the Southern Baptist Convention's resolution that wives should "submit" to their husbands.

But when does this theater go too far? Why would a grown woman let anyone tell her what to eat and wear? "Sometimes people do get lost in this behavior," says Coleman of the University of Minnesota. "It can become very, very powerfully erotic and mood altering." Because of this concern, "sexual sadism" and "sexual masochism" are listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), the psychiatry compendium. The latter diagnosis, for instance, might apply to someone who starts out wanting a playful smack but ends up begging to be beaten bloody.

BDSM activists—yes, there are BDSM activists—counter that any sexual activity can become overpowering. And few sexologists would argue that whips and stilettos, in and of themselves, cause sexual compulsion. That's why some mental-health professionals contend that the American Psychiatric Association should remove sadism and masochism from the DSM. "There are no data to support their inclusion," says Charles Moser of the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco. "There is no study that shows that having BDSM interests causes distress or dysfunction."

In addition, the chains, the hot wax, the boot-licking humiliation—they're all secondary for most BDSM practitioners. "Pain is a means to an end, but not the goal itself," says Federoff of the University of Ottawa. "People into this scene, all of them, will tell you that they want anesthetic when they go to the dentist as well as you do. What's different is what they use pain for." BDSM-ers like to use athletic analogies: marathoners endure the agony of the last miles so they can savor the accomplishment of finishing. SM, they say, is no different.

But that doesn't explain why people do it—a question that sexologists can't yet answer. "Tell me the etiology of heterosexuality or homosexuality," says Moser, "and I will tell you the etiology of SM." Federoff has compiled new online surveys from 2,000 women and 2,000 men who identified themselves as part of the BDSM scene. "We have only started to analyze the data," he says, "but the first impression is that the people we have looked at tend to look very much like regular people from all walks of life—that is, they tend to look like people who might fill out Web questionnaires on any topic. Second, by the measures of psychological health we were able to get, they tend not to look particularly psychologically impaired"—at least no more so than the general population.

At this point, we should make clear that the BDSM these researchers study is consensual. No one in the fledgling BDSM movement argues in favor of actual slavery or rape (though eroticized simulations of such crimes are common). Among the BDSM clubs and support groups, all the reputable ones preach the BDSM mantra: safe, sane and consensual. "Like every other subculture, we have a fringe, an element that doesn't follow the rules," says Susan Wright of the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, a BDSM advocacy group formed in 1997 that claims 34 member organizations representing 10,000 people. "But every mainstream BDSM group has a mission statement that includes those words over and over: safe, sane, consensual."

More specific guidelines—always check bound limbs to ensure circulation, for instance—have developed over the decades, she says. BDSM has a rich history. In the 19th century, psychiatrist Richard von Krafft-Ebing famously applied a French literary term—le sadisme, which described the sexually violent writing style of the Marquis de Sade—to mental patients who exhibited an "association of lust and cruelty." Less famously, Krafft-Ebing named masochism after the bawdy novels of Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, whose most famous work, Venus in Furs (1870), describes the willing enslavement of a dreamy man by a beautiful widow.

More recently, the Internet has helped connect curiosity seekers with BDSM organizations. Doc and Surri, for instance, help lead a North Carolina group that started less than a year ago but already has nearly 700 people on its e-mail list. The calendar of BDSM social events now includes gatherings for every imaginable subgroup—everything from the International Deaf Leather Contest (scheduled in Dallas in August) to the Black Rose convention in the Washington area, a yearly weekend of workshops and parties that draws 1,000.

Host communities aren't always thrilled to learn that hundreds of kinky convention-goers will be dropping in. In 2002, after Baptist leaders heard that the Howard Johnson hotel in Bridgeton, Mo., had served as the site for Beat Me in St. Louis, the Southern Baptist Convention canceled reservations at the hotel. Last year the Kenner, La., police chief mailed letters to local hotels urging them not to provide accommodations for Fetish in the Fall, a four-day series of parties and educational demonstrations—Dances with Whips, for instance—set for November. Chief Nick Congemi was worried that the gathering's activities would be "borderline illegal"; organizers canceled the event to spare attendees embarrassing public scrutiny.

Congemi has a point about the law. It is a bedrock principle of common law that consent is no defense against assault charges, and many prosecutors see BDSM activities like flogging as assault. In the past half-century, many SM participants have been successfully prosecuted. But while most appellate judges have upheld those convictions, a 1999 New York State ruling is altering the landscape. In that case, an appeals court overturned the conviction of Oliver Jovanovic, a Columbia University grad student who had been sentenced to 15 years for kidnapping and sexually abusing an undergrad. Before the alleged assault, the woman had e-mailed her SM fantasies to Jovanovic. The trial judge had refused to admit the e-mail messages into evidence, but the appeals court held that while no one has a constitutional right to engage in SM, the e-mails would have shed light on whether Jovanovic reasonably believed that the woman had consented.

Of all the knotty issues swirling around BDSM, consent was the most difficult for me to understand. No means no, but does yes always mean yes? If you ask someone to pass a flame across your genitals or tie you up for hours or tell you what to eat, are you in your right mind? I pressed Surri repeatedly on these issues. Finally, after a robust drag on her cigarette (which she had asked Doc's permission to smoke), she answered, "What we worry about when we look at our own community and try to make sure abuse isn't happening is whether submissives are restricted in their speech. And I can always say what I want ... Yes, Doc makes the final decision about things. But if he said to me, 'Shave off your hair,' well, we would have some issues because there's not a chance in hell I would do that." Surri and Doc do take the master/slave relationship to elaborate lengths, but she can always end it. "Ultimately," she says, "I have more control in this relationship than he does."

But Surri admits that not all her SM relationships have been so balanced. After she left her second husband—Doc is her third—she "got tied into a very bad person," she says. One day the man told her to get into a dog kennel, and she willingly complied. But then he left her alone—a major no-no under the safe-sane-and-consensual guidelines taught at SM conferences. As it happened, the apartment building accidentally caught fire. Surri suffered burns and smoke inhalation. "I was nearly dead when the paramedics got to me," she says. When I ask what happened to the man, tears well in her eyes. "Nothing." Surri didn't press charges because she was worried that if the authorities discovered her dominant-submissive lifestyle, they would come for her daughter.

Surri's daughter, a polite, sunshiny 14-year-old, knows that her mom takes orders from her stepdad, but Doc and Surri keep their sexual relationship—along with the floggers and other apparatus—private. Surri says her daughter's most common response to any mention of the BDSM lifestyle is, "Ugh, Mom!" (The daughter's privacy is one reason I agreed not to use real names for Doc and Surri. Another is that there are no legal protections for BDSM; the home-improvement warehouse where Doc works could fire him.)

I left North Carolina unsure what to think about the couple. They seem madly in love—"because we have this kind of relationship, everything has to be spoken, so it's much deeper," says Doc. And they are hardly radicals. Doc is a Schwarzenegger Republican and a big fan of the Left Behind novels, the evangelical Christian thrillers that graphically depict the damnation of the sinful. Both Surri and Doc criticize the moral laxity of parents who allow kids to shirk their chores and sass their elders.

On the other hand, Surri's "biggest satisfaction in life" should probably be something other than "seeing [Doc's] approval." She says it's in her nature to submit—that, in a manner of speaking, she has no choice but to give up choice. But can such thorough submission truly be safe, sane and consensual? Wright says BDSM-ers debate such issues all the time. If SM is to become a more accepted part of the mainstream, those serious debates—and not just the titillating extremes of "S&M" iconography—will have to come out of the closet.

Two Yahoo! Groups of note

Tue, 06 Nov 2007 00:27:50 GMT

This past summer (2007), I joined two Yahoo! Groups created/managed by the legendary Mistress Michelle Peters of California. The Groups, The Best of Classic Dominants and Distinguished Dominants, are an archive of pictures of Mistresses and content from the FemDom magazines and newspaper style publications of the 1960s, 1970s, and 1980s. (I remember buying many of these publications back in the mid-late 1980s and early 1990s when I really started to cultivate my interest in BDSM.) Though primarily FemDom in focus, there is a sprinkling of Male Dominants such as Carter Stevens, Sir Michael, and Master French.

The two sites are basically mirror sites but with some content differences – i.e., one site may have content that the other doesn’t – for example, the Best of Classic Dominants group has written content where the Distinguished Dominants group doesn’t; conversely, the Distinguished Dominants group has 96 photo albums vs the Best of Classic Dominants group which has 94. The photos in the gallery and files sections include such scene personalities as Mistress Destiny, Dutchess Von Stern, Mistress Connie; and of course Mistress Michelle herself. While the written content consists of stories, articles on training techniques, and commentary about various aspects BDSM.

In fact, her photo archives are so extensive, I even saw a photo set of the very first Pro-Domme ad I ever saw (c. late-1970s, issue of Club Magazine). The photos, none of which were the one used in the ad, were of Miss Tracey of Atlanta, GA.

I applaud Mistress Michelle’s effort in keeping alive this part of BDSM's history as well as part my personal BDSM past.

I just launched a new version of my web site, version 6.0

Sat, 09 Jun 2007 01:48:16 GMT

Today I finished and launched a new version of my scene personal web site, version 6.0. My web site covers who I am in the vanilla and scene worlds; the type of relationship and person I'm seeking; and links to BDSM web sites that educate, inform, entertain, purchase toys from vendors, and allow like-minded people to connect.

A podcast you should be listening to: Fetish Flame

Thu, 01 Mar 2007 01:12:05 GMT

Hosted by Nova and Atticus, Fetish Flame, is a podcast about a couple's explorations into the world of BDSM and sexual fetishes. (They also have a blog on Livejournal.)

The show features interviews with such scene personalities as Midori, Carole Queen, Kumi, Steve Diet Godde, and Bridgett Harrington, and with everyday folk into kink or those who have an interest in a specific kink, such as diaper play or sissification. When not interviewing people, they discuss such diverse kinks and fetishes as diaper play, spanking, strap on play, forced feminization, and cigar fetish. They also discuss their personal thoughts and feelings about their explorations into the scene.

What I really like about the show is that Nova and Atticus have a genuine warmth and openness about them--their tone comes across as being friendly and approachable. The show is done tastefully and with good humor--it is a frank and honest discussion. Lastly, They are approachable--I’ve e-mailed them and chatted with them by IM on a few occasions.

I whole-heartedly recommend this podcast. Fetish Flame can be heard on iTunes or on their web site as archived MP3 files.

Onion Article: S&M Couple Won't Stop Droning On About Their Fetishes

Sat, 17 Feb 2007 19:55:24 GMT

Here is a reprint of a BDSM article story from the Onion.

S&M Couple Won't Stop Droning On About Their Fetishes

August 8, 2001 | Issue 37•27

SANTA FE, NM–According to friends of Jason Roder and Gina Von Poppel, the sexually adventurous couple won't stop droning on about spanking, caning, ball gags, erotic photography, fetish parties, leather, rubber, PVC, latex, whips, floggers, and countless other S&M-related objects and activities.

"When Jason first told me about his and Gina's kinky sex life, I was amazed. I wanted to hear all about it," said Stan Pritchard, Roder's best friend. "But around the 15th time I heard about how great it is to be tied to a chair, I was, like, 'Yeah, I know. The chair. The whip. Being straddled. Got it, thanks.'"

Roder and Von Poppel, who have been dating for almost four years, began experimenting with sadomasochism in July 1999 after buying a few S&M-related items at Santa Fe's Naughty & Nice adult video and novelty store.

"It wasn't until I began experimenting with domination and mistress role-playing that I really discovered myself sexually," Von Poppel has told dozens of people over the years. "It's so liberating to explore the threshold between pleasure and pain."

Meredith Engler, a close friend and former college roommate of Von Poppel's, said she has frequently found herself subjected to hours-long accounts of the couple's S&M exploits.

"Gina and Jason have a pretty open-minded group of friends and, at first, we all thought it was cool that they were being so frank about sex," Engler said. "That was our mistake–giving them an opening."

As Roder and Von Poppel delved deeper into sadomasochism, they began dominating nearly every party and social event with endless talk of fetishes, secret fantasies, and forays into bondage and discipline.

"When Jason and Gina first told me about their 'secret,' I thought, wow, these people must have one hell of an interesting life," friend Peter Orwitz said. "I couldn't have been more wrong. How many times can a person discuss cock leashes?"

Orwitz said the only thing worse than the couple's lengthy lectures on the positioning benefits of a wall-mounted restraining swing are the long-winded clarifications about the nature of sadomasochism.

"As Jason is constantly pointing out, it's not S&M that they're into: It's BD/SM, which is bondage-domination and sadomasochism,'" Orwitz said. "Apparently, there's a big difference between S&M and B&D. Just ask them. I dare you."

The couple's friends try to avoid topics that might inadvertently lead to discussions of S&M, but the subject always manages to come up.

"It's amazing what will prompt Jason and Gina to talk about sex," Pritchard said. "We had a barbecue last weekend, and I said, 'Pass me the tongs.' So Jason and Gina exchange a knowing look and, before you know it, we're off on an hour-long discussion of how you should put your metal sex toys in the freezer for a few hours before using them."

Roder and Von Poppel have even invited friends to join them in one of their S&M adventures. Thus far, there have been no takers.

"They asked if me and my girlfriend wanted to go with them to Fetish Night at some club called The Dungeon," Pritchard said. "I guess maybe I would have been curious, except I'd already heard every last detail about Fetish Night already. I know about the transgender drag show. I know about the 'secret room' and the 'safe words.' I've heard all about the Saran Wrap woman and the rubber-tubing outfit and Metal-Cage-Around-The-Balls Guy at least five times. So I passed."

After many unsuccessful attempts to subtly communicate her irritation to Roder and Von Poppel, Engler determined that she needed to be more direct.

"Last Friday, Gina was blathering on and on about domination, and I couldn't help but say, 'Well, you're certainly good at conversation domination,'" Engler said. "I can't help but wonder if this S&M thing is all a cover-up for their real fetish: talking to people about fetishes."

Another couple, Sara DeWitt and Ron Crandall, met them at a local bar in May.

"We all had a few drinks and ended up talking about sex almost the entire night," Crandall said. "I remember going home thinking, 'God, these people are nothing like the uptight, boring types I usually hang out with.'"

As the friendship progressed, however, DeWitt and Crandall found that every conversation with the couple eventually turned to S&M.

"The third time we hung out, I started to pick up on the pattern," DeWitt said. "Don't these people have any interests besides vibrating tit clamps? I tried to steer the conversation toward other subjects, but every time I did, they'd start right up with the S&M talk again, telling me not to be so repressed."

Added DeWitt: "For people who aren't uptight or boring, those two are pretty uptight and boring."

Book Review: “Master Han’s Daughter: Tales from Depraved NeoTokyo” by Midori

Fri, 01 Sep 2006 23:59:03 GMT

”Enter a futuristic Tokyo, where sex and desire are as sharp as a knife blade. In a sexual cyberpunk world, love and cruelty make a strange, sadomasochistic mix in these short stories by internationally known S/M educator Midori.” (from the blurb on the back jacket)

Reviewers Note:
When appropriate, I have assigned ratings, on a 1-5 scale, where 1 expresses the concept the least and 5 expresses the concept the best. The ratings pertain to “Cyberpunkishness” How well the elements of the cyberpunk genre are expressed in the story, i.e., hardware in general, body modification/enhancement with cyber parts, bio/genetic engineering, corporations governing the world, etc. Also note that this review may contain spoilers. I’ve tried to make them as non-specific as possible, (and in some cases, I succeeded. In others, I didn’t.)

About the Book
Length: 110 pages encompassing 9 stories, author’s notes, and acknowledgments.

The World of ShinEdo
Midori’s characters exist in the city of ShinEdo, a place I find comparable to Sanctuary from Thieves’ World (as described by Wikipedia: “Only the dregs of society found their way there and it was a city beset not only by the scum of the earth…”) or Mos Eisley spaceport from Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope (as described by Obi-wan Kenobi, "a wretched hive of scum and villainy.”).

The stories are:
“Master Han’s Daughter, Part One” (Cyberpunkishness: 3)
A man becomes a contender for the opportunity to sire an heir to the throne of a drug lord, with the drug lord’s daughter.

“Aya’s Blade” (Cyberpunkishness: 2 )
A huntress stalks her prey then consummates the capture.

“Kitsune Gumi—A Dance With the Foxes” (Cyberpunkishness: 2)
Five predatory females engage in violent sex with their chosen prey of the night.

“A Cat Named Miu" (Cyberpunkishness: 4)
A bio-engineered prostitute reflects on her life.

“Mantra” -- (Cyberpunkishness: 1)
Raised since childhood in a religious order where sexual interaction is part of the worship rites, a spiritual leader questions her faith.

“The Nurse” (Cyberpunkishness: 5)
A sadistic jacked-in nurse mentally torments her also jacked-in charge.

“Love” (Cyberpunkishness: 3)
A slave gives everything she is to show her love and devotion for her master.

“Your Documents, Please” (Cyberpunkishness: 1)
A foreign national seeking political asylum offers a unique reason to two immigration/customs agent to grant his request.

“Master Han’s Daughter, Part Two” (Cyberpunkishness: 3)
The story started in part one concludes with a twist ending.

Review
I first heard of this book about a year ago on a list of upcoming book titles, and eagerly looked forward to it because it contained some of my favorite plot elements: cyberpunk, Japan (I’m a fan of Japan’s feudal and current popular culture), and kink. Needless to say, when I saw it for sale, I quickly bought a copy. The book is a quick read can easily be done in one sitting, but since I wanted to write a review of it, I took my time so as to allow time to reflect on the stories.

Overall, the book is a solid effort, but I feel a bit let down because of my own preconceived expectations and the “unbalanced” structure of the book. When I saw the book’s sub-head that read "Tales from Depraved NeoTokyo” I was expecting some seriously nasty hardcore erotica—rough, raw, no limits, no safewords, etc.. I had this expectation because to me, this style of erotica is inherent in Cyberpunk. By “unbalanced structure,” I mean that the stories ranged from “hardcore cyberpunk” to “cyberpunk flavored.” I define hardcore cyberpunk as that which best embodies the concepts of the genre, such as the books: Neuromancer and Snow Crash; and films such as Bladerunner and Johnny Mnemonic. I define “Cyberpunk flavored” as being superficially cyberpunk, much like what’s known in film and TV production as an establishing shot.

My favorite stories were: Nurse, and Master Han’s Daughter, Part Two. My least favorite stories were A Cat Named Miu, and Love. The remaining stories: Master Han’s Daughter, Part One; Aya’s Blade; and Your Documents Please, I am ambivalent about. I liked Nurse, because it was the most cyberpunk of all the stories; and Master Han’s Daughter, Part 2, because of the twist ending. I disliked A Cat Named Miu, because it seemed to be a torch song to a lost life; and Love, because it seemed to be an over-romanticized notion of what it means to submit or be a slave. I have mixed feelings about Mantra. On one hand, it seems more or less out of place in the big picture of the book. On the other, I found it to be a thought provoking statement on what religious faith actually accomplishes in the world.

Geek Dissection: -- !!! MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS ALERT !!!
Here’s where I get to be a big ol’ geek and provide color commentary on the stories with an eye for things only a geek can appreciate.

1. The name of the city, ShinEdo, translates literally to “New Tokyo.” The names is derived from: Shin, the Japanese word meaning new or fresh; and Edo, the original name of Tokyo (during the Edo period--Tokugawa shogunate 1603).

2. The story “Kitsune Gumi—Dances with Foxes” reminded me of the Russ Meyer film classic “Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!”, whose tag lines sum up the movie and this particular story:
• ”Russ Meyer's ode to the violence in women”
• ”Superwomen! Belted, buckled and booted!”
• ”Go-Go For a Wild Ride With the ACTION GIRLS!”

3. Kitsune are tricksters in Japanese mythology and folklore, who can be either benevolent or malevolent. They usually target overly-proud samurai greedy merchants, boastful commoners, poor tradesmen and farmers or Buddhist monks. In this story, they are the malevolent kind. See also the following entries: kitsune @ Wikipedia and kitsune @ the Encyclopedia Mythica.

4. Kitsume Gumi translates from Japanese to Fox Clan, from kitsune meaning "fox" and gumi meaning "clan"

5. The story “The Nurse” contains a plot device that is similar to one used in the film "Strange Days" (1995).

Conclusion:
I give the book the grade of “B.”

Online play does not equal real life experience

Tue, 15 Aug 2006 23:30:11 GMT

No matter where I look for a play partner on the various personals boards, such as alt.com, bondage.com, collarme.com, et. al., I usually talk to at least one newbie Top/Domme who counts online play as actual experience. I don’t know if this same situation applies to Tops-Dom/mes looking for bottoms/subs/slaves, but I think it probably does. Usually, this comes out during our initial conversation when they balk at answering my question of: “So, how long have you been playing, and what are you into?” When they finally answer the question, it’s usually done sheepishly. Needless to say, at this point, I end the negotiations immediately and proceeded to counsel them on what she should be doing to become experienced. First and foremost, stop counting online play as actual experience.

ONLINE DOES NOT EQUAL REAL TIME!!!
It never has, and it never will.

BDSM is a skill set. For the Top-Dom/me, it takes actual formal instruction and practice to use a flogger and whip accurately. It takes first hand experience to know when to stop doing a particular act because the physical signs of bodily damage may be starting and the bottom may not know it because they’re having an endorphin rush. Only from real life experience does a Top-Dom/me learn to read a bottom/sub/slaves non-verbal cues (body language) that they are in or starting to enter distress, and the scene is starting to go wrong. This is experience that one doesn’t get from online activity, it's experience that must be gained first hand.

Case in point:
I was playing with a Top/Domme in real-time for the first time, and she was cropping me. At some point, she felt my ass was starting to become a bit too red for her liking and stopped doing it. I felt perfectly fine with the cropping and felt that she could continue and go harder, and I told her this. She then explained what she was observing, and that in her first hand judgment and past experience, she felt that she should stop the activity. I deferred to her judgment, because my real life experience told me that, she is the one doing the caning and can see the physical effects of the cane on my body that I can’t, plus, if I am having an endorphin rush, my sense of body awareness is being clouded so the normal feelings of pain I should be experiencing are being blocked out because of the intensity of the pain.

Now don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against cyber sex or BDSM play as an avatar in a virtual world such as Second Life--It’s non-threatening BDSM entertainment and/or great masturbation material. Those who choose this form of BDSM entertainment may do so because they are be thrilled by the notion of BDSM, but not yet ready to make the leap to real time. Others may use it to do things that they find exciting, but would so never do in real time, such as toilet service, taking full force strokes with the cane so that the skin is flayed off, etc. I admit that I’ve done some really extreme things in Second Life, that I only do in my fantasies. I would never want to do these things real time, and if I did do them, I know I’d be majorly squicked.

I do feel that the only type of cyber sex that is an acceptable alternative for a physical BDSM experience, is when a web cam is involved. With a web cam, the Top can see and hear (if there is a microphone) that their instructions are being performed to tier [the Top’s] satisfaction, and there is no faking doing the acts on the part of the sub.

A Top-Dom/me claiming their experience comes all or in-part from online play, is one to be avoided at all costs. They don't have the real life experience to play safely using proper technique or make safe judgement calls regarding cessation of activities before the point of severe bodily harm.

Fantastic essay from author Laura Antoniou about one of the bullshit games people play

Tue, 04 Jul 2006 16:00:13 GMT

About a year ago I came across this great essay by author Laura Antoniou about the scene people who mix too much fantasy in with their reality. Her thoughts echo mine with regards to the bullshit hubris, hype and hyperbole games that people play in the scene. You know the games…people saying they are a 2nd or 3rd generation Dom/me, who had their first slave when they were 16, blah-blah-blah.

UNSAFE AT ANY SPEED BUT MAKING GOOD TIME
Presented at South Plains Leatherfest,  February 27, 2005, Dallas, Texas
copyright 2005, Laura Antoniou. May not be reproduced without her express permission, although sections may be quoted for review purposes.

I had to wonder why I was invited to give this speech at this god-awful hour of the morning. (And what are we doing here at this hour of the morning without a cocktail? At the very least, we should be having Mimosas and Bloody Marys if we dragged ourselves out of bed after a dungeon party.)

But I did have to ask myself, why me? I've never held a title; I've only managed one event. I never won a Pantheon of Leather Award, or got named person of the year anywhere. In fact, my only entry in the Leather Timeline is for a book I edited about someone else in the leather community. Not that I'm bitter. But see if the Leather Archives gets any more of my #1 signed and numbered copies.

So, being such a non-apparatchik, I had to wonder what was expected of me. Since I am unused to giving political speeches per se, I researched various speeches given at leather events over the past years...I found several on the internet...and have come up with exactly what I think I'm expected to say.

First of all, welcome to all you rugged individualists, you one percenters, the radicals, the loners, who stand against the fierce wind of mundane life to carve your own path amongst the, er, people not like us. Back when I came out, things were much better, and I am sorry you missed that time, when we all got together in our leather bars which welcomed women, our private clubs which welcomed street kids, and of course, the amazing dungeon spaces which were filthy but the best possible places to be a polysexual, polyamourous polymorpheous pervert. Oh, we were tougher back then, wilder and meaner and sexier and freer and our worst problems could be addressed with a shot of penicillin the next day. But we were wrong, of course.

Not like today, when we're much safer, saner, and... you know. So don't feel bad that I can't really take you back to the thrilling days of yesteryear when all tops were honorable, twisted sadists and all bottoms were insatiable, obedient studmuffins. They're all dead now, or living in McMansions in gated communities with their kids and SUVs and Corgis, anyway.

Now is so much better. Now we celebrate diversity in our leather/sm/fetish/bdsm/ds/kinky lifestyles where we find unity in the community and it's leather together forever.... whatever. We are free to be you and me, singing Kumbaya as we link hands and wind up in a great big group hug! So, you're the best and the brightest, the movers and the shakers - honored our shared past and boldly going into the next generation. Thank you.

(From the audience - "Bullshit!")

No? Well, so much for trying to get along. I guess I'll just wing it from here. When asked to speak today, and I assure you, it really is an honor and a pleasure, I knew exactly what I wanted to say. Then, Master Jim threw a wrench in the works and said I had to speak about history, something about we'll never forget, we'll always remember, yadda, yadda, yadda. History? I'm not an historian! I'm a pornographer. Besides, my history doesn't look like like the farcical one I mentioned a minute before - no one introduced me to the magic of sadomasochism after a bunch of mysterious initiations. I didn't stumble into a group just like me; I went looking for them after seeing an ad in the Village Voice. Very radical and transgressive, you betcha. I'm not anything special - I'm a member of what I have decided is the Middle Age Guard - too young for the Olde Guarde and too old for the next generation groups. What could I tell you about? The history of phone sex lines in the 1980's?

I have to tell you, I did, for several months, dutifully consider giving you the history of SM literature. And baby, I could. I got a library at home I could happily go through and I could talk about Gothic romances to slash fiction. I could talk about how the word, pornography, means the writing of whores, which is to say, the writing of sexual outlaws. And then I'd list the obvious people and the people I'd assume are pretty rarely spoken of and I'd out a few authors and let me tell you, by the time I was finished, you'd all be well educated about SM in literature, and dead asleep. This morning thing is not well suited to lectures on literature. But maybe I'll offer it as a seminar one day. At least then the people who attend will be volunteers.

But that led me back to the question - why me? If, other than my personal experiences, I have nothing to add to the esteemed, uh, field of leather community research, what did they want? I mean, I write fiction, fairy tales. I make up improbable pasts and mingle them with half truths and near truths and then toss in complete lies and things only an idiot would believe and then I wrap them up in an engaging story - I hope - and sell them to people desperate for something that speaks to their experience, something which acknowledges their fantasies and desires and paints a picture of a life they could only wish were real.

Oh... well, there's something I can speak to.

Fiction is often mistaken for history, and I use the word mistaken deliberately here. Fiction is generally more accessible to someone than hard history, and friendlier to engage with. That's why millions of people think the historical figure Tokugawa was named Toranaga. James Clavell's Shogun is a highly entertaining romp, a Samurai Action Adventure which happens to deliver more than a few historical facts along the way. But it's a novel. In addition to being short on facts and using different names for his major characters, the book takes great liberties with the Japanese language and philosophies of the time. Does that lessen its greatness as a work of fiction? Not by my standards. Fiction is judged on entertainment value, not on accuracy.

The trouble comes in when people rely on fiction to tell them the truth - and fiction is the diametric opposite of truth. Fiction writers use truth as a tool, the same way we use metaphors and archetypes. When it suits us, and the story, we add truth. When the truth is inconvenient, or ill suited to drama, we make up our own version of the truth.

Now, sometimes, using fiction as a guide is helpful! It's probable that our earliest storytellers told stories to communicate fears and beliefs and to teach the "right" way to do things according to what went on before, or what people believed went on before. So, cautionary tales and heroic epics both serve to warn and inspire; to provide a sense of stability and continuity. In small, insular communities, stories serve the primary purpose of alerting us that we are not alone; they give us a link complete with codes to recognize each other. I remember cruising chicks by asking them which story in Macho Sluts was their favorite. (If they said, Birthday Party, ohhh, cool...Calyx of Isis? Run Away! Those chicks were too high maintenance!) Of course it was natural for the slaves at Hellfire to have Story of O collars and rings, for the men in the bars to read Mr. Benson and then act their favorite parts out! The literature brought us together and celebrated our sense of community.

But mostly, living your life according to fiction is a BAD IDEA. You'd think this would be self-obvious, and yet - it's not. And how can we even begin to address history seriously when so much of who and what we are is partial - if not purely - fiction?

Don't wave the Leather Archives at me, folks. You can't point fingers at one organization as though it relieves you of your own responsibility. The history I'm talking about it personal. It's all very well and good to support our community attic by continuing to send them anything we need to get out of our closets and basements and storage rooms. It's another thing entirely when so many people in our little corner of humanity can't seem to tell the truth if you lit a fire under their ass and offered an extinguisher for one established fact.

And I will speak more on that in a moment.

Personal history is vastly different than institutionalized history, as well. We assume that much of what we think of when we say the word "history" is stuff that really happened. Wars, treaties, discoveries, births and deaths, a stream of reality which we parse accordingly. If someone said that the Soviet Union collapsed because aliens landed and taught us all about peace and brotherhood, that's nonsense. And yet, there are people in this room who are thinking "well, if that's someone's opinion....."

Look folks, opinions are like assholes, common and more important to us individually than to others in the room. Also, I will borrow a quote from Harlan Ellison, you are not 'entitled' to your opinion. You are entitled to your INFORMED opinion, and there is a huge difference.

I was, for a couple of years, on the Leather History mailing list. A more frustrating exercise in futility I have never encountered, except in building Ikea furniture by myself. Every week, it seemed some poor schmuck would log in and ask "where are the rules for the Old Guard?" or "Who was the first person to use the term BDSM?" Now, the questions themselves are harmless, even if they were repetitive. It was the answers that drove me insane! People would take it on themselves to offer the LAZIEST comments: guiding the questioners to the same web sites, or giving completely wrong information. And I'd be steaming as someone would write something like - and this really happened - the Marquis deSade used the term BDSM. Cite! I insisted. I can trace usenet newsgroups back to the very first mention of the acronym online, hell, I was practically there. But this person insisted that they'd read it in some biography of the man, somewhere. It was at someone's house. He couldn't recall the title, but yeah, it said the Marquis lived the BDSM lifestyle. And very few people had the balls to call folks like that on their bullshit and shoddy research techniques, let alone the fact their IQ was, at best, questionable.

And while I ignored a lot, there were also times when I just went off on someone being so obtuse I wanted to find them and hit them across the head with a clue stick. Because it's one thing to say "I think Anne Rice is really Pat Califia." It's another thing to insist on your own level of reality in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

My breaking point occurred when someone on the list actually compared me to a Holocaust denier, because I was informing people to not give my original "Unsafe at Any Speed" essay away. Apparently, this person was so unaware of what copyright laws said - even after being referred to the official US documents, the international treaties, the various forms of proof, aka historical documents - she could only grasp at one of the lowest forms of life to express her frustration. Let me remind you, this was on a list supposedly for the investigation of leather history. And of all those budding historians? No one spoke up about the outrageousness of such a comment.

An interesting thing happened last year, and was buried in American news. Deborah Lipstadt, an historian, wrote a book on holocaust deniers, and mentioned one by the name of David Irving. Irving has been championed by as diverse a group as you can imagine - from Klanners in their white sheets to Noam Chomsky, to Christopher Hitchens. See, he's entitled to his opinion.

But you see, when the opinion is based on history, you can actually put the opinion to the ultimate test. And when Irving, in his hubris, sued Deborah for defamation, he opened his "research" to examination by professionals, in court. They took him apart. They exposed his shoddy techniques, his predisposition for ignoring evidence which did not suit his thesis, his contradictions, his lies. And in the end, he lost his suit, and is probably licking his wounds somewhere, giving a speech on how the Jews controlled the trial. But it was curious how many historians came damn near to defending him; people who you would think knew much better. One of them said to Deborah, at one point: "none of us could withstand such examination!"

Ah! And that's where historians mistake themselves for the final arbiters of fact. None of us has the final truth; we can only dig for more truths, hold them up to the light, and assemble the most truth possible at the time. And yes, we must expect to be questioned! We must demand questions, even as we question each other. It's called research, folks, and research has rules and guidelines which you may find helpful. Evidence, for example. Citations. Pictures. Letters. Minutes. Clippings. Diaries. Not "I read it on the internet." That's about as smart as saying "I heard it on the telephone." The internet is just a format; we need to know where the knowledge is, not the medium.

And folks, if you don't have answers, then don't pretend you do. You look stupid, and what's worse is that you pass your dimness onto some poor schlub who doesn't know the difference, and somewhere, an historian - or even a fiction writer - is losing their brain cells. And it's your fault.

Now, I quit the leather history mailing list, because my masochism only extends so far. SM-ACT is about as much pain as I can take in my mailbox on a regular basis. When you get to be a member of the Middle Aged Guard, you have to pick your battles wisely. Having survived burnout once, I am not tempted to try it on again for size. But I can't escape the blurring of fact and fiction which is not only buried in differing opinions of who did what first and where and to whom, and what hanky color that would be - but in so many individual connections I've made over the years, and in the stories I've heard from others, and oh, yes, in that vast ocean of information and garbage we call the internet.

This is the personal history part, and the part where I, as a fiction writer, may be uniquely qualified to speak to you today.

For crying out loud, folks, stop the fucking lies.

Just stop it! Please! For decades, we sadomasochists have drummed ourselves on the back, saying we're so smart and creative and bold and honest and brave and loyal and faithful and true, we're the modern age romantics, the knights in black leather. But let me tell you, all of that gets shot to hell every time someone dubs themselves MasterHighLordBubba@aol.com and starts collecting "subbies."

I know - you're sitting out there nice and smug, thinking "well, it's not me, I'm real." And maybe it's true that every person here uses the name they sign checks with, avoids uncommon or archaic titles, uses correct grammar, never invents a personal history at odds with, oh, anything resembling reality, and never exaggerates their years of experience, past adventures, or future plans. Maybe - just maybe - everyone here does go home and live the same life they talk about at leather events, down to the smallest detail. In this crowd, I am sure we hare surrounded by the very crème de la crème of the Olde Guarde, total power exchange, Euro-Gorean 24/7 leather Levi fetish BDSM kinky lifestyle. I wouldn't be surprised at all.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that just because someone likes to be called Master means they're a big fat liar. I know lots of nice masters, mistresses and whatnots. And the fact is, role playing and secret codes and fancy names and make believe are all part of what we do, even the most serious, blood and thunder "living the lifestyle" purists. I wouldn't want us to throw that good stuff away any more than I'd expect a French chef to stop using cream and butter. Fantasy - it's what's for dessert!

It's when it becomes commingled with fact and history that pushes my buttons. For crying out loud, people, if you really want to be known as Mistress Anorexia of the Clan Slimfast, I don't care! No one cares! But when you try to tell people that your secret clan of ninja BDSMers goes back 100 years to the founding members in Budapest, and these are the secret rituals and clothing styles passed down by the Daughters of Dementia, and then you pass this kiddie crap off as real - come on. Just because a lot of people are gullible doesn't mean everyone is. Pull the hype back a bit and cop to the fact you made it up.

And what the fuck's wrong with making shit up?? You'd think it isn't any fun unless someone tells you a story about how authentic they are, or their toys are, or their methods are. Believe me, it's way more fun to know your partner has an imagination than to slowly come to the understanding that your partner is a loony.

Isn't it interesting, though, how we at the same time call ourselves rugged individualists AND seek to join special secret clubs? And we so desperately want to belong somewhere. That's what colors and leather and uniforms and styles and fashions and creeds and oaths and big parties are, really. But here's a clue and please pass it on to newbies when you meet them? Top secret ancient houses and clans and covens and klaverns of sadomasochists - IF they existed, and I am not saying they do - would NOT seek out members by chatting them up anonymously online!

No, really. They would be much more devious and creative.

And again, I hear you thinking at me, "But Laura, I know that crap! I don't fall for it!" And yet, even when you escape the clutches of Master Ox of Box and his Martian Love-boys, you still steer people to his website, doncha? After all, he has a lot of great articles and a personal ad services and some hot pictures of well hung guys. Or, you remain silent when Grandmaster Rooty-Tooty of the House of Pancakes is invited to a panel discussion and he proceeds to talk about his third generation training house, aka the double wide. Hell, you invite him! You pay his airfare! Rooty-Tooty there might be a great guy, a fun player, and his little slave chicks Fresh and Fruity might be eye candy, but the fact is, they're playing Klingons and we give 'em a place at the table because they play LOUD Klingons.

Yes, Klingons. These people, when they aren't at your leather affair are at a Star Trek convention with a horseshoe crab glued to their foreheads, screaming Ka-plach! at each other. The next weekend, they take the crab off and tell you how to live the master slave lifestyle, and you sit there and grin and say nothing. Honey, is that what you really want?

Stop the lies, people. Put the brakes on pretension and consider the most basic truth of all - we are valued by what we leave behind us, not by what is already gone. You think your spiffy blue collar needs a name? Fine! Name it whatever you like, name it George! But don't call it an Olde Guarde Collar of Discipline. You just confuse the newbies and make the alterkackers laugh at you behind your back. You want to call your split level ranch the Seat of Clan Silverwolf of Thunder Mountain? Knock yourself out. Just don't try to sell me on the way your parents trained you to be the Alpha Bitch of your Wolf Clan starting at age 9, and that's how you are born and raised to dominate all two legged creatures everywhere. Puh-leeze, folks. Do we really need more episodes of CSI?

(Although, if they want to bring back Lady Heather, I'm all for that.)

I'm not saying you can't play games! I love games, and I love a good story. But when you take elements from someone else's story - like when you try to be Gorean or Klingon, or even (shudder) Marketplace, you are selling yourself short. What you can be alone or with your partners is so much greater than what can be found in text on paper. And when you find you need to make up a story painting yourself greater than what you once saw in the mirror, remember, it might have be the story that gets their attention - but you, the person, need to keep it. Throw the story away and see if they stay. I guarantee it - you are better without it.

Believe it or now, what we do, no matter what you call it, is still transgressive, even though you can find SM books at an occasional Barnes & Noble. It is still exciting and different, and fun and challenging, eve if we do seem to have more organizational meetings than orgies. I realize that when people grasp at a fake history, fake names, fake philosophies, what they are saying is, "what I do, who I am, is special; I have a great story." We don't want to be common, and who does? What I want to tell you though, is the truth is exciting, it is special, it has its own value, and what's more, it's easier to remember and defend.

Every contestant in this year's contest said, more than once, that one key to their relationship is honest and open communication. And for over 20 years, I've heard hundreds, maybe thousands of the same people say the same thing, praising themselves and each other for being "honest and open." You're not being honest and open by pretending you're royalty. Honesty requires truth - openness invites scrutiny. You want excitement and thrills and danger? Then come out of your closets. You want faith and truth and loyalty? Then inspire them with actions, not Dungeons & Dragons names and imaginary histories. You want respect and admiration? Then foster them with behavior and deeds.

And for those of you smugly sitting there full of the knowledge I am not talking to you, your job isn't done. Silence is the voice of complicity. When you remain quiet in the face of bullshit, you are lending it your credibility. You are saying it is so, merely by saying nothing. You don't have to confront every pretentious blowhard calling himself Lord Nightwind of Destiny House. But don't afford him the same time and prestige of someone who goes by a more common name and has an actual address and fails the drama queen test. If someone has a real history, they should have something to show for it. Records, writings, photos, friends, organizational notes, something that says 'I was here then and did this.' Something more than a web page with a black background, flickering torches and rinky-dink electronic dungeon music.

So when your bullshit meter goes off, don't support the lies! Let's learn to celebrate our storytelling without pretending it's real. You can call yourself the Marquis of the Grand Duchy of Fenwick for all I care. But you still need a Metrocard to take the subway. Remember to laugh at yourself and feel free to say "I'm more than what I used to be, and this name makes me feel good." There's nothing wrong with that. But when you sit there and tell people desperate to be the heroes in their own stories that you were born naturally ready to take a role, that you never disobey, or doubt, or betray, or hurt without cause - that you live a life even fiction could not amply express, where there is plenty of time, plenty of energy and above all, you are always honest, truthful, loyal, devout, obedient, submissive, dominant or always ANYTHING, you are setting my bullshit meter off loud and clear and I'm fucking tired of it.

Believe it or not, we are making good time, we, the leather/kinky/BDSM/Master/slave whatever community. When before, we worried about whether we could meet at all, now we worry about whether to pick the Hyatt, the Sheraton, or the Crowne Plaza. When before, we reached out by mail, looking for code words in personal ads, now we connect by the hundreds of thousands online. When before, we spread our stories in briefly published, highly perishable and questionable newspapers and flimsy porno books, now our shelves are full of our realities and our fantasies.

And I say again, what we are doing is fantastic! Fun, sexy, dynamic, exciting. Whether you play on the edge or you are so far on either side of it you can't see where the edge is, this is good, hot stuff. And despite any setbacks we see, we can only get bigger and better. But as we careen down the highway, tearing up the asphalt, we will always get lost when so many of us insist on lying and supporting liars. As a fiction writer, I invite the clan-masters and the Euro house mistresses and the Grand High Inquisitors to join me on the shelves, where we belong. Let our stories entertain and inspire, not inform. Leave the history real, the reality simple to verify, and the stories where they do the most good - next to a vibrator or a comfy chair or tucked in a travel bag. Don't make make-believe into one of our hallmarks. To do so insults the real people whose deeds and names the liars can't even list. And together, let's celebrate the art of the story teller, who is valued for entertainment.

In conclusion, I will remind you that there is no shame in admitting you love a good story. I do! And my best lovers over the years found that telling me bedtime stories is a joy I can barely stand to ask for and thrill to every time I get it. There is an honored and wonderful place for our pompous names, our wordy oaths and contracts, our costumes and props and scenes.

But let's make an effort to keep fiction where it belongs - and fact out front and center. It might be hard to let Onyxheart, slavegirl of Mythos Manor go. And if Onyxheart is who you are inside, go for it and change your name. But your mama is probably always gonna call you Nancy Ann anyway.

copyright 2005, Laura Antoniou. May not be reproduced without her express permission, although sections may be quoted for review purposes.

“I’m real, but not by your definition”--An explanation

Fri, 30 Jun 2006 00:39:36 GMT

Lately, I’ve been getting a lot of questions about the meaning of my profile/ad headline, “I’m real, but not by your definition.”

The meaning is this:
It's a snarky commentary on a certain type of person in the scene; the type of person I refer to as a "small 'd' dominant" (I hope the significance of the small “d” doesn’t escape you). This type of person is quick to label anyone who doesn’t play their way, or hold the same beliefs about BDSM as they do, as not being a “real or true BDSM practitioner.” The irony here is that everyone by their own self definition is a “real” or “true” BDSM practitioner.

Thus, the headline/intro: "I'm real, but not by your definition."

Yes Virginia, there are Goreans

Thu, 29 Jun 2006 01:16:22 GMT

This is a humorous response I made to a post about Gor, that was on the Bondage.com forums a few years ago. The initial post was about someone questiong the legitimacy [sic] of Gor or is it all just B.S.

When you read the initial post, I think you’ll agree with me “how could I not respond as I did.” The set-up was just too perfect, and anyone who knows me well enough, knows that something like this would never escape my radar. I removed the name of the poster that started the thread.

As I was rereading the original post, I saw some things that I overlooked in my original version. I’ve updated the post to reflect the previous oversights, and present it below.

THE INITIAL POST:
[NAME DELETED]
Well, this has been on my mind for quite some time now and i would like to hear anything you have to say on the matter. I am talking about Gorean Masters and slaves.

After a discussion about Gor in a Yahoo room and after my questioning of the existance of Gor in r/l and given the fact that there were a number of people SWEARING they are practicing Gor 24/7, i come to you with the following questions:

* What is your opinion on the subject?
* Do Goreans really exist beyond the internet?
* Can the John Lange (known as John Norman) books be adopted and practiced as a real life kink?
* Have you ever met a Gorean Master and/or slave in real life?

OR
* Do some people have a very vivid imagination?

MY RESPONSE:
[NAME DELETED], your little [online] friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except that which they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds.

All minds, [NAME DELETED], whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, [NAME DELETED], there are [Goreans] beyond the Internet. They exist as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no [Goreans!] It would be as dreary as if there were no [NAME DELETED]s. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The external light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in [Goreans!] You might as well not believe in fairies. [You might get your Master or Mistress to have Dungeon Monitors to watch all the scene events to catch [Goreans,] but even if you did not see [Goreans] what would that prove?] Nobody sees [Goreans,] but that is no sign that there [are] no [Goreans.] The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived could tear apart. Only faith, poetry, love romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, [NAME DELETED], in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No [Goreans!] Thank God! [they live and live forever]. A thousand years from now, [NAME DELETED], nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, [Goreans] will continue to make glad the heart of [BDSM].

Author's Note:
Sorry folks, I couldn't resist the set-up this thread presented. To give credit where credit is due: the text of my post is blatantly taken from an 1897 edition of The New York Sun newspaper. The text came from the newspaper’s reply to Virginia O'Hanlon's letter about the existence of Santa Claus. Yes, it’s THAT letter, the one that spurred the famed reply: "Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus." I just did some creative editing to repurpose it.

On why I took the screen name I did

Wed, 28 Jun 2006 01:25:43 GMT

I took my screen name "kage," the Japanese word for “shadow,” for three reasons:

(1) The Shadow is the Jungian archetype for the dark side of our personality. The side we don’t want to acknowledge and keep hidden from the world and from ourselves. The shadow consists of morally objectionable tendencies.

(2) I have a facination with Japanese culture, both feudal and contemporary popular culture.

(3) Everything sounds cooler in a foreign language.

This is the first entry of my “scene” blog

Wed, 28 Jun 2006 00:13:24 GMT

I finally jumped on the BDSM blog bandwagon and got one just for the “BDSM me.” I’m far from being a newbie to Live Journal. I have a vanilla blog here on LJ as well, but it’s exclusively vanilla, which means my scene friends with a blatantly BDSM blog couldn’t post on mine, nor could I post on theirs. Plus I couldn’t join the BDSM LJ communities.

With that having been said, here I am.

“What will you find in my blog?” You'll find BDSM content about the me, my thoughts and commentary on scene subjects, and a scrapbook of interesting related links, essays, etc. that I’ve found or contributed on/to the web.

With that having been said, I bid you welcome and invite you to read on.